Episode 157
The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (15/29)
January 1980

OPENING TITLES

KEVIN

Dr Poo is now the proud owner of four lovely little bits of the spare key of time and also a dirty old sailor who insists on showing the Dr his hornpipe.

STAINES

Arrh, arrhh.

DR POO

Put that thing away.

DANA

O what was it? I didn't see it.

DR POO

Not now Dana, there's no good him showing it unless he shows it right to the end.

DANA

What's your name, sailor?

STAINES

Staines, Seaman Staines.

DANA

You should complain. I've got a handbag full of horse shit.

STAINES

What for?

DANA

It's the Dr's idea. He says it's the second little bit of the spare key of time.

STAINES

Well I'll be blowed, as often as possible. My ship is called the HMS Fifth Little Bit of the Spare Key of Time, arrhh.

DR POO

Holy harpic! What a miraculous coincidence. We must find your ship immediately. Hand me the phone book, Dana.

(Dana hands the phone book to the Dr)

Tah. Hmm, ah, HMS Fat. No. HMS Fertilizer, HMS Fizo, HMS Fifth Little Bit of Lord Mountbatten, HMS Fifth Little Bit of the Spare Key of Time. Ah ha.

The Dr dials the number, the phone rings and Puke-Knightly answers

Hello is that the ah...?

PUKE-KNIGHTLY

Yes it is. Captain Puke-Knightly speaking.

DR POO

Hello Puke-Knightly. My name is Poo.

PUKE-KNIGHTLY

My heart goes out to you

DR POO

Thank you. My heart goes out to you.

PUKE-KNIGHTLY

O what a nice arrangement.

DR POO

Listen Captain. The universe is in grave danger and I need your ship.

PUKE-KNIGHTLY

O top ho. Glad to lend a hand, the cosmos expects and all that. As Nelson said at Trafalgar, I see no sign to stop. Piss on me hearty. I'll be right over.

Puke-Knightly hangs up the phone

There is a knock on the door of the TURDIS

DR POO

Answer that would you Dana.

DANA

OK.

(Dana opens the door)

Sound of ship's foghorn

KEVIN

What a lucky little Dr, Poo is. He's now got five; count them, five little bits of the spare key of time: The note to the milkman. The pile of horse manure. The philosophical concept. The Boy Scout and the ship, which will take us all on the Women's Weekly World Discovery Tour of the next episode of Dr Poo-oo!

End titles



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Phil from an off-air recording made by Warren.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.