Episode 158
The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (16/29)
January 1980

OPENING TITLES

Kevin

As the myriad host of sweetly scented blossom stretched open to embrace the randy little bee, I stub my toe on my mother's left leg...

DR POO

Kevin!

KEVIN

All right, all right. The Dr only has to get the last two diminutive constituents of the spare key of time and then he can wind up the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time and save the universe; thereby defeating the inscrutable and untidy Dr Wee.

Sound of ship's foghorn

DR POO

The ship lying alongside the TURDIS is the fifth diminutive constituent of the key. The Captain is now going to throw us a line.

PUKE-KNIGHTLY

I say, I say, I say, did you hear the one about...


Kevin shoots Puke-Knightly

Ahhh.

(Puke-Knightly falls down dead)

DR POO

Thank you Kevin. As I was saying, the First Mate is going to throw us a line which Dennis will catch. Ready Dennis?

DENNIS

Meow.

(Dennis catches the line)

Meow.

DR POO

Right Dennis, now tie that line around the nearest bollard.

STAINES

Oo arh, oo arh.

DR POO

Bollard Dennis. I said bollard. Now this is a container ship, so it must contain the clue to the whereabouts of the sixth diminutive constituent.

DANA

Dr, what's a dim native ah, constichuchent, you keep talking about?

DR POO

Diminutive constituent. It means little bit; cretin. Really Dana, sometimes you make me so mad I could hit you.

DANA

Oh poo! You wouldn't hit a fan would you?

DR POO

What? Wait on, Poo hit a fan, near a ship. Ship in a fan. No, ship hidden fan. Tell me Seaman Staines; are there any electric fans on board?

STAINES

Arh yes. This ship be a bulk electric fan carrier. At our last port of call we pumped five thousand tons of electric fans into her.

DR POO

Come on, what are we waiting for?

KEVIN

In a few spilt seconds, they are up to their necks in a sea of electric fans.

Sound of fans being tossed around

DR POO

Tell me Staines, who owns these fans?

STAINES

Well, since you shot the Captain, I suppose they're yours.

DR POO

Oh, hello Poo fans.

KEVIN

I won't comment on that but if you like that sort of thing, then I can highly recommend the next excruciating joke of Dr Poo-oo!

End titles



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Phil from an off-air recording made by Warren.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.