Episode 255
The New Turdis
June 1980

Opening titles

(Sound of Kevin sucking a cloth)

Kevin

Oh sorry Poo connoisseurs. I'm just sucking my wettex full of dirty champagne, left over from the little soiree we had in celebration of the launching of the Doctor's new Turdis.

Dr Poo

(He is drunk and starts singing to the tune "I get a kick out of you" by Cole Porter)

I got the cats from champagne, Mere alcohol makes me chuck down the drain.

This new Turdis is a little beauny. Goes like a bus of epileptics.

Denis

Meow, hic, meow.

Dr Poo

What's that Denis?

Denis

Meow.

Dr Poo

Yeah, let's bugger into the old inter-stellar overdrive, eh.

Dana

Doctor, you're weaving all over the cosmos.

Dr Poo

What's the matter Dana, afraid of a bit of speed?

Denis

Meow, meow.

(Blows raspberries and pokes out tongue)

Dana

Denis, stop abusing the universe and wind up that window. You'll have the police on us.

Dr Poo

Don't be a wet muddy stick in the blanket, Dana. We're just having a little harmless fun. Anyhow, the cosmos fuzz will never catch my little machine.

Sound of police sirens

Dana

There Doctor, I told you so.

Dr Poo

You didn't tell me to sew, Dana, you told me not to weave. But you didn't tell me to sew. Ah ha ha.

Dana

What are we going to do?

Dr Poo

Well the Moon is coming up on the right; I'll duck behind it until they go past.

Sound of Turdis landing

That fooled them. Come on, let's have a look outside.

Sound of ducks quacking

Well splash me boots, we've landed on the duck side of the Moon.

Kevin

Well gang, we've arrived on the duck side of the Moon thanks to the drunk side of Dr Poo-oo!

END TITLES



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Phil from an NAA recording.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.