Episode 273
Dr Poo on Trial
July 1980

Opening titles

Kevin

In the infinite corridors of time and space, here at the "Hi Mum, I'll be late home for dinner Court"; The Doctor Poo trial has moved in to its fifth day and is waiting for its furniture to arrive.

Usher

The Cosmos Justices are about to enter. All rise. Got you first time. I didn't say "Simon says".

(Attendees Groan)

Judge

Be seated. O all right. Simon says be seated. Mr Gonzales, call your next witness for the prosecution.

Gonzales

I'd like to call Mr Joseph Shoelace an idiot.

Usher

Mr Joseph Shoelace is an idiot.

Attendee

Mr Joseph Shoelace is an idiot.

Attendee

Mr Joseph Shoelace is an idiot.

Shoelace

Mr Joseph Shoelace is an idiot. Hold on, I'm Joseph Shoelace.

Gonzales

Mr Shoelace, place your hand in this boot and repeat after me.

Shoelace

After me.

Gonzales

No.

Shoelace

No.

Gonzales

That's not what I meant.

Shoelace

That's not what I meant.

(Gonzales hits Shoelace)

Gonzales

Mr Shoelace, are you an idiot?

Shoelace

I wouldn't like to say.

Gonzales

Why not?

Shoelace

I don't understand the question.

Gonzales

Mr Shoelace!

Shoelace

Where?

Gonzales

Shut up! What is your present occupation?

Shoelace

I'm a freelance hat watcher. I used to be a nuclear physicist but after listening to Dr Poo for a year, the only job I can do is watching hats.

(Crowd murmurs)

Gonzales

Your witness.

Dr Poo

Mr Shoelace, I put it to you that you are no more an idiot than I am. I put it to you that you understand Einstein's theory of relativity.

Shoelace

The special or the general theory. Whoops!

Dr Poo

Ah ha.

(Crowd murmurs)

Shoelace

Well only the basic equations. You see I watched a physicist's hat once.

Dr Poo

I submit that you are in fact, Joseph Von Shoelace, author of this scientific paper on how to convert whales into nuclear fuel.

(Crowd Ooh)

Shoelace

All right. I confess. I'm brilliant but I didn't mean to be.

Dr Poo

And!

Shoelace

And it was all lies and I said that I'd been contaminated by listening to episodes of Dr Poo-oo!

END TITLES



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Phil from an NAA recording.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.