Episode 315
Bernie Smith (3/3)
Fri 29 August 1980

Opening titles

Kevin

Hello Poo fans. As you may be aware, God, the creator of the universe, passed away yesterday peacefully in his slippers. In Memorium and in other suburbs, we will now have two minutes silence.

(Slight pause)

Dr Poo

Kevin.

Kevin

Shh.

Dr Poo

Kevin. I believe in having reverence for those who've kicked the galvanized iron water carrying implement and gone west...

Kevin

Shh.

Dr Poo

But we are not having two minutes of silence during my show. Now look, Poo fans. It is true that in our last episode, we reported that God had died. Well of course He did. And remember, you heard it first on Dr Poo. But I think Kevin's making a lot of mountain out of what is after all, just the top left hand corner of a molehill. God's death isn't the end of the world.

Dana

Thank God for that.

Dr Poo

Oo no Dana. We don't thank God anymore. He's dead.

Dana

Oh, then who do we thank now?

Dr Poo

Well, from now on, the Managing Director of the universe will be Bernie Smith.

Dana

Who in Bernie Smith's name is he?

Dr Poo

Well, for ages now, Dana, Bernie's had a fabulous night club act in which he does some really great impressions of God. And so, the God Appointments Board thought it would be less of a shock to the universe if he simply stepped into the old man's shoes.

Dana

What about the old man's socks?

Dr Poo

Ah, no Dana. I don't think Bernie will want to use the same socks. I mean, God had been wearing them since the creation of the universe.

Dana

Err poo!

Dr Poo

Actually, there should be something about it on the fridge, if this episode's been written properly.

Fridge Announcer

We interrupt this advertised fridge for a short message from the new Managing Director of the universe, Mr Bernie Smith.

Bernie Smith

Ar Ha ha. Hi, I'm Bernie Smith and I'm in charge round here now and things are going to be a real scream from now on. Ha ha.

Kevin

Our Smith who art in heaven, Bernie be thy name. Will King Kong come? Will Faye Ray be saved in real life as she is in the movie; and give us each day our daily hippopotamus of Dr Poo-oo!

END TITLES

2JJ DJ Doug Mulray

That is the most bizarre thing I've heard since someone suggested that Ronald Reagan might be President of the United States.



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Phil from his own off-air recording.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.