Chinese Checkers (3/23)
Wed 10 December 1980
And now here it is. A clay impression of the video cassette,
of the paperback, of the smoke signal, of the oily film, of the same name of
the umpire hunch back. Three hours of mind numbing reminiscences by eighty six
year old cricket umpire Tom "No balls" Stumpfondler. Thrill to the magical
special effects. You'll really believe you're right there beside him watching
the saliva dribble down his chin, as he bends to pick up his false teeth from
I remember the first test in '26 when...Ow!
Dana, turn down that damn newspaper. I'm trying to fill out
What are you filling out?
It's our work rooster for the next few days.
Buck, buck, buck.
Hold still you dumb cluck.
You see Dana, I've etched our names on the inside of its beak
and painted the days of the week on its knees. So, um, every time it kicks
itself in the teeth, we'll change watch. You're on first watch.
Oh! When will the rooster kick itself in the teeth next,
O, in about a couple of hours or so.
Right. Now to fart our shite plan. Erh, park our frypan. Oh,
chart our flight plan. Out with the old Gregory's shart pack, arh, star chart.
Denis, camp yourself up on that top corner, would you?
Meow. Mee mee mee
All right. I can do without the poofy cat impression, thank
you. Now let's see, if we go up the Milky Freeway, turn right up the Frilly
Garter Asteroid Belt. O no, that's one way, isn't it. I know, we'll take the
Big Bang By Pass, hang a left at the Crab Nebula palm and if the supernovas
aren't against us, should be there before it gets dark.
O look, the rooster's kicked itself in the teeth. What a cock
up. It had better pull itself together for the next poultry show of Dr
Transcribed by Phil from his own off-air recording.
Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.