Episode 390
Chinese Checkers (5/23)
Fri 12 December 1980

Opening titles

Kevin

Mid way up the Horses Arse Nebula lies, steals and passes bad cheques, the Turdis.

Dana

Hey, I just passed a bad Czech in the hall.

Kevin

Did he bounce?

Dana

No but he was very insulting and he knelt down and tried to look up my nose.

Kevin

Meanwhile outside, the dogs of war are How Ling, the local laundry man is Rin Sing and two Chinese perverts are Pee King and Wan King.

(Dr Wee hits Kevin)

Ow!

Dr Wee

How dare you make cheap joke at oriental expense.

Kevin

I had a yen for them.

(Dr Wee hits Kevin again)

Ow! Why hit me? Benny Hill makes rotten Chinese jokes all the time.

Dr Wee

Ah so, but Benny Hill sign economic joke deal, a glee to invest loads of money in Chinese joke industry in exchange for excrusive rights to use excrutiating off oriental one liners. You silly plick.

Kevin

(Dr Wee hits Kevin again)

Ow!

Dr Poo

Dr Wee, what are you doing in my Turdis?

Dr Wee

Me slapping your stupid announcer about the head and soldiers.

Dr Poo

Oh, good show Wee. Carry on. Waiter, second course. I mean wait a second, of course, that's an act of aggression.

Dr Wee

Ho no, me not Aggression. Me a Asian. So it a act of Asian. O ha, ha, ha, ha.

Dr Poo

O yes of course. Well wallop him senseless for all I care.

Dr Wee

OK.

(Sounds of Dr Wee walloping)

Dr Poo

By the we while, um by the we way, I mean...

(Singing to the tune "The Way We Were" )

By the way we were, Memories, like the corners of your mind,

Poo & Wee

(Singing)

Misty water coloured memories of the way we were. O ho ho ho.

Dr Wee

O must a phone home to Mum right a way. Phone home to Mum on LSD. It next best thing to Peter Seller's movie.

Dr Poo

What?

Dr Wee

Being there.

Dr Poo

O I thought you meant Fu Manchu.

Dr Wee

Ho no. You can Fu Manchu some of the time but you can't Charlie Chan.

Dr Poo

What?

Kevin

Hey, what is Wee on about? Give up? Easy, Wee is all on Dr Poo-oo!

End titles



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Phil from his own off-air recording.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.