Episode 399
Chinese Checkers (14/23)
Thu 25 December 1980

Opening titles

Kevin

C.I.A.'s above! Dr Wee has planted a spy aboard the Turdis. Who can it be? It certainly ain't me.

DR POO

Well it's not me.

DANA

I'm clean!

DENIS

Meow.

DR POO

I've got it - but I'm taking the pills for it. I'll go upstairs and ask our lodger, Eugene Caruthers, if he can think of anyone who might be the spy...

Runs upstairs & Knocks on door

Ah, aha, I feel like I'm knocking on Eugene's door.

Eugene

(Through the door)

Hold on, I'm transmitting a secret message.

DR POO

Fine.

(Sings)

Knock, knock, knocking on Eugene's doo-oor...

Door opens

Eugene

Ah, hello Doctor. Smile!

takes a picture

Thanks. Come in.

DR POO

Well, Eugene, I was wondering -

Eugene

Ah, could you speak into the geranium, please?

DR POO

Sure. Um, there is a grotty lodger, I mean an ugly roomer, going around that -

Eugene

No, can't help you.

DR POO

Oh pity.

Telephone rings

Hello? Oh it's for you, Eugene.

Eugene

Eh - O g'day Dr Wee. Er yeah, this is agent Eggs-for-Breakfast. Yep, he's standing right next to me. Er hold on. Hey, Doctor, do you suspect a thing?

DR POO

Um, pardon?

Eugene

No, Wee, he wouldn't know if his pants were on fire. Ah, Dr Poo, this is a very secretive call, do you mind?

DR POO

Oh no, no Eugene, we'll talk about this spy thing later.

Closes door & runs downstairs

Well, Dana, Eugene doesn't seem to know -

DANA

Doctor, your pants are on fire!

DR POO

Oh are they? I didn't know that!

DANA

Do you want me to put them out?

DR POO

Oh no, they'll only scratch at the door all night, howling to be let in. Oh, O I see what you mean, yes please!

Bucket of water

Um, that's better. Now it's time for me to confront Dr Wee.

Door opens

So, Dr Wee.

DR WEE

Hold on, me on phone. OK Eugene, bye bye!

Hangs up

Dr Poo

Who's the spy, Wee?

DR WEE

It Eugene Caruthers.

DR POO

Rubbish. I didn't come down in the last shower.

DR WEE

Then how come your pants are all wet, you stupid damp Dr Poo-oo!

END TITLES




Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Kevin from an off-air recording made by Warren.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.