Episode 400
Chinese Checkers (15/23)
Fri 26 December 1980

Opening titles

KEVIN

Dearly belooved, here is a special announcement. I am Kevin the Announcer, at this point in the history of the Dr Poo radio serial, I would like to say with complete and underfelt sincerity; HELP

(Sound of Kevin trying to get out of a box)

LET ME OUT! HELP! Thank you.

Sound of a gong

Dr Poo

So my diminutive oriental antagonist; now that you've shrunk the universe down to the size of a marble, what do you in ten words or less, to do with it?

Dr Wee

Ah well, a you see, rast time I play Chinese checkers with my assistant, Won Lung, he get a bit toey cause I always win. So he grab one of my marbles and stick it up his nose.

Dr Poo

The dirty little beast.

Dr Wee

So I need a replacement and ah, universe handy.

Dr Poo

Well fair enough Wee. But I doubt whether it's really part of Bernie Smith's divine plan for the universe to end up as a marble in a game of Chinese checkers.

Dr Wee

Oh well I'm not going to use Won Lung's nose.

Dr Poo

Hmm, good point.

Knock at the door

Come in.

Dr Wee

Hey, ray off.

Dr Poo

O sorry Wee.

Dr Wee

Come in.

Door is opened

Dana

Doctor? Ohh, it's Dr Wee.

Dr Wee

Hurro cutie.

Dana

Hey, how come Dr Wee's pee pong pal, is on the other side of the front door of the Turdis?

Dr Poo

You see Dana, when Wee here, er that is he Wee not we as in me and you and Wee too but not we two just him...

Wee & Dana

Aw get on with it.

Dr Poo

Well when he shrank the universe to the size of a marble; all the spaces between things disappeared. So then there was nothing between us.

Dana

Well that's what you say.

Dr Poo

What are you here for Dana?

Dana

Denis and I found out who the spy in the Turdis is. Eugene Caruthers!

Dr Poo

Really? How?

Dana

We taped electrodes to his genitals. It started out as a game but then he got carried away and confessed everything.

Kevin

Yes, well Eugene always had a sensitive part. Not like mine which only gets bigger at the end when I shove my marbles up my nose and cry Dr Poo-oo!

End titles



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Phil from his own off-air recording.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.