Episode 404
Chinese Checkers (19/23)
Thu 1 January 1981

Opening titles

KEVIN

Last time you may recall it was even more ridiculous than that. But nevertheless, 80% of yaks aged 21 to 25 said they couldn't tell the difference, so it's on with the episode's trousers.

(CHICKEN NOISE - BUCK, BUCK, BUCk)

DR POO

Dana, did you give Kevin his tablets?

DANA

I thought it was your turn.

DR POO

Ah well that explains why he hasn't explained anything.

DANA

But what's he to explain? Only that Dr Wee has shrunk the universe to the size of a jaffa -

DR WEE

- and that we in the process of a-giving it back to Dr Poo, when very althetic cockroach suddenly kick it under bathroom door.

DANA

How do you see our position, Doctor?

DR POO

Well I have these mirrors installed on the ceiling, you see, and ah - Oh! Well I suggest we go into the bathroom and have an art deco.

Knocks on the bathroom door

LAVDROS

(From within)

I'm busy.

DR POO

Oh, sorry.

(Everyone hums distractedly)

Hold on, who's that?

DR WEE

Me not know, but he been in there for weeks!

Knocks on the bathroom door

DR POO

I say, could you hurry up a bit?

LAVDROS

Go away.

DR POO

Look, matey, you're not the only one in this radio show, you know. There's people out here who want to use the universe.

LAVDROS

Piss off.

DR POO

Right. Denis, pick a fight with that lock.

DENIS

Meow.

Crashes down the door

DR POO

Urgh, urgh - dunnies above, what's that?

DANA

Eurgh, it's horrible - yuck.

DR WEE

It most disgusting thing I ever see.

KEVIN

Yes. It's the evil Lord Lavdros: half-man, half-toilet.

(Everyone revolts - urgh, yuck, etc.)

By popular acclaim, the most disgusting being in all creation.

LAVDROS

How dare you disturb me in the process of doing a disgusting thing to the universe?

DR POO

Of course, Lavdros. I might have known your behind would be behind all this.

DANA

Who's he, Doctor?

DR POO

He's the creator of that abominable race of militaristic chemical toilets, the Dreks.

(Shocked gasps)

KEVIN

But despite that, 80% of yaks have never said Dr -

(CHICKEN NOISE - BUCK, BUCK, BUCK)

End titles



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Kevin from an off-air recording made by Warren.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.