Episode 405
Chinese Checkers (20/23)
Fri 2 January 1981

Opening titles

Kevin

The Doctor has come face to horrible sort of facey thing with Lord Lavdros, the half man, half toilet.

Lavdros

Errrrr!

Dr Poo

All right Lavdros, give me back the universe, I know you've got it.

Lavdros

Nah, I'm going to keep it. It's sixteen, it's beautiful and it's mine.

Dr Wee

But what good it to you? Universe now only size of jaffa.

Dana

It's so small you could go and roll it down the passage.

Lavdros

That's exactly what I've done.

Dr Poo

You haven't swallowed it? Have you?

Lavdros

No.

Dr Wee

You haven't stuck it up your nose?

Lavdros

No.

Dana

In your ear?

Lavdros

No.

Dr Poo

Well that only leaves...

Poo & Wee

OH NO!

Lavdros

Yes, you've guessed it.

Dana

Hold on, I haven't. Um, up his armpit; um, behind his knee; between his toes?

Dr Poo

No Dana. He's stuck the universe up his bum.

Dana

What! But he's not allowed to do that. Not in public. It's too disgusting.

Dr Poo

I know but he's done it nonetheless. He's done it just to spite me. He knew I was getting respectable audience from the audience of this show. But now with the universe up there on his bum, my ratings will go down the drain. I can kiss my audience goodbye.

Dana

Not while they're up Lavdros's bum, you can't.

Dr Wee

Hey now lookie here. I must register protest. I, Dr Wee am the resident villain on this show and doing pretty good job too.

Dr Poo

Yes Wee, you're a damn fine villain.

Dr Wee

But you Lavdros, you butt in with this really disgusting sticking universe up your bum. And you not even member of Villains Equity.

Dr Poo

O poor show.

Dana

I say that's a bit off.

Dr Wee

You bloody amateurs, you give us professional villains a bad name.

Lavdros

My patience has run out. Go away you boring little farts.

Dr Poo

None of your cheek Lavdros. You can't order us around.

Lavdros makes huge fart

Dana

Oo poo! What's that smell?

Kevin

I don't know Dana but whatever it is, it came out of that end of this hold your nose of Dr Poo-oo!

End titles

2JJ DJ DOUG MULRAY

Well there goes my reputation for good wholesome family entertainment. I'll just keep walking... there'll be another station somewhere... when they kick me out of this one, after that...



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Phil from his own off-air recording.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.