Episode 406
Chinese Checkers (21/23)
Mon 5 January 1981

Opening titles

Kevin

Great smelliness abounds, because Lord Lavdros, the most disgusting character ever on radio, has used his awful powers of stench to drive our heroes away.

(Everyone gags and wretches)

DR POO

I say, being half-man, half-toilet certainly gives Lavdros potent powers.

DANA

Yes, Doctor - ack, ack - and how are we ever going to get the universe back now that he's got it stuck up his bum?

DR WEE

How are we going to get him out of my bathroom?

DR POO

Shut up, Wee. It's all your fault. If you hadn't shrunk the universe, Lavdros couldn't have got it and put it where he did. O, it doesn't bear thinking about.

DR WEE

O hang on, I'm just doing my job as professional villain. What do you expect me to do? Help old ladies across the road and say a-cutchie-cutchie-coo everytime I see a baby? Stone the crows!

DANA

Ah stop fighting and save the universe!

DR WEE

Don't look at me, me not hero! And tell your damn cat to stop playing with that machine which expands the universe back to normal size.

DR POO

Hang on, that gives me an idea! Wee, that machine of yours - we could hit Lavdros over the head with it!

DR WEE

Hor, clever thinking!

DANA

Why don't we just fire the machine at him?

DR POO

But Dana, that'll make the universe return to normal size... and the universe being sort of lodged up his grotty botty, the expansion would tend to make him loose a good deal of his physical cohesion. Hang on, that's a dang good idea - we could use the machine!

DR WEE

I'm a-way ahead of you, Dr Poo!

DANA

Dr Wee's got his thing stuck through the keyhole of the bathroom door, Doctor!

DR WEE

It aimed right at Lavdros's bum!

DR POO

OK Wee, let him have it!

Buzzing, humming sound effect - continues throughout scene

KEVIN

And in the bathroom...

LAVDROS

Ah - wer - O, what's happening? I feel strange... aaarrrgggggh!

Sound of the universe stretching back to normal size - explosion!

KEVIN

Well Lavdros has certainly got guts! Unfortunately they're all over the universe. And another thing that's all over is this short appendix to Dr Poo-oo!

End titles



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Kevin from an off-air recording made by Warren.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.