Chinese Checkers (21/23)
Mon 5 January 1981
Great smelliness abounds, because Lord Lavdros, the most
disgusting character ever on radio, has used his awful powers of stench to
drive our heroes away.
(Everyone gags and wretches)
I say, being half-man, half-toilet certainly gives Lavdros
Yes, Doctor - ack, ack - and how are we ever going to get the
universe back now that he's got it stuck up his bum?
How are we going to get him out of my bathroom?
Shut up, Wee. It's all your fault. If you hadn't shrunk the
universe, Lavdros couldn't have got it and put it where he did. O, it doesn't
bear thinking about.
O hang on, I'm just doing my job as professional villain.
What do you expect me to do? Help old ladies across the road and say
a-cutchie-cutchie-coo everytime I see a baby? Stone the crows!
Ah stop fighting and save the universe!
Don't look at me, me not hero! And tell your damn cat to stop
playing with that machine which expands the universe back to normal size.
Hang on, that gives me an idea! Wee, that machine of yours -
we could hit Lavdros over the head with it!
Hor, clever thinking!
Why don't we just fire the machine at him?
But Dana, that'll make the universe return to normal size...
and the universe being sort of lodged up his grotty botty, the expansion would
tend to make him loose a good deal of his physical cohesion. Hang on, that's a
dang good idea - we could use the machine!
I'm a-way ahead of you, Dr Poo!
Dr Wee's got his thing stuck through the keyhole of the
bathroom door, Doctor!
It aimed right at Lavdros's bum!
OK Wee, let him have it!
Buzzing, humming sound effect - continues throughout scene
And in the bathroom...
Ah - wer - O, what's happening? I feel strange...
Sound of the universe stretching back to normal size -
Well Lavdros has certainly got guts! Unfortunately they're
all over the universe. And another thing that's all over is this short appendix
to Dr Poo-oo!
Transcribed by Kevin from an off-air recording made by Warren.
Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.