- Interlude -
The Khan Ages - Episode 1
December 1979

(Opening titles)

Dramatic opening music

Announcer

Sweeping across the paddocks of history like a grass fire on a windy day come the Khans. This is the saga of their reign of terror: The Khan Ages!

Music reaches a crescendo and ends

The place, Rome. The time, the morning after the night before. After an heavy night of pillaging our intrepid sackers are feeling a little seedy.

(The mongrels groan and complain)

Neville

Who'd like a cup of tea?

Brian

Shut up, Neville!

Bede

Leave him alone, Brian. you've no philosophical base to refuse him freedom of speech. Besides, I'd like a cup of tea.

NEVILLE

Well, Bede - if you want to nip over to China and get the tea, I'll make it!

Genghis KHAN

Listen to you blokes. You come to Rome, spend half the night sacking and pillaging -

NEVILLE

- and raping, eh Brian?

Brian

Aaah, Neville!

Bede

Leave him alone!

Genghis KHAN

Shut up, Bede! And now you want to go all the way back to the Orient for a bloody cup of tea. When in Rome, do in the Roman.

Neville

Ah, poo, spaghetti for breakfast! Bleurgh!

Brian

O shut up!

Neville

Dad, he won't let me talk. He keeps telling me to -

Genghis KHAN

Shut up, Neville

Neville

O but Dad...

Bede

Shut up, Neville.

Neville

OK, you can whistle for your tea.

Genghis KHAN

Let's take stock.

NEVILLE

Ah, I got all the stock last night.

(Neville struggles with something heavy, which falls over. He whimpers.)

Genghis KHAN

I hate Sundays. Let's go see what's on at the Coliseum.

Brian

We burnt it down last night.

Genghis KHAN

That's the trouble with the youth of today, no forward planning. Alright then, what's left... Where'd you leave the vestal virgins, Brian?

Brian

When you say vestal virgins, Dad, you're only really half right...

Genghis KHAN

Greedy bastard.

Neville

Where's Craig?

Bede

He's still trying to to put out the Senate.

Brian

I don't see any Christians.

Genghis KHAN

We don't need any more pets. If you go bringing home every stray preacher man you can find, where would we be? We're flat out feeding the Etruscans.

Neville

Where will we go, then?

Genghis KHAN

There's no point following the road signs, they all point to Rome.

Brian

Let's go grab the arms off a few statues.

Neville

You mean, just a bit of armless fun?

(Neville is hit)

Ah-aw!

Everyone

Shut up, Neville!

ANNOUNCER

Rome wasn't build in a day but it was demolished in a night, and it happened during the Khan Ages!

Closing fanfare



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Kevin & Phil from an off-air recording made by Warren.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.