Universal Administration (i)
July 1980

Opening titles

Kevin

Kevin your on the bus announcer here with some very sad news. The Doctor has been found guilty by the Intergalactic Time and Space Tribunal and condemned to be hung by the neck until uncomfortable. Ha Ha .. I'm sorry.

Dana

Isn't this fun, Doctor, just like the football.

Dr Poo

Dana, they're going to hang me.

Dana

Oh well then, you'll get the best view of everything.

Dr Poo

Get away from me you stupid little cretin. It's all your fault I'm in this predicament.

Dana

Oh I know you don't mean that Doctor. You're just upset.

Dr Poo

You're damn right I'm upset. If you hadn't opened that four lane freeway you use for a mouth, I'd be walking the universe a free man.

Dana

Oh don't be such a sookie. People get hung everyday.

Terry

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the main hanging of the day.

Crowd Applause

Our hangee is that well known time and space traveller Bernie Smith.

Dr Poo

I'm not Bernie Smith, I'm Dr Poo.

Terry

Oh they won't notice. Oh look be a sport... fill in for him eh, he's probably just held up in the traffic or something.

Dr Poo

But I don't want to be hung.

Terry

No, it's not like it was. When I was a youngster everyone was breaking their necks to get hung. Ladies and gentlemen , a late cancellation, Bernie Smith couldn't make it.

Crowd

Boo Boo.

Terry

But we have a replacement . It's the big hearted and dynamic Dr Poo.

Crowd

Boo Boo.

Terry

Hey listen, they're in a funny mood today so try and make it look good eh.

Drum roll

On with the rope.

Dr Poo

Wait a minute.

Kevin

Well, fancy trying to get out of being hung on a fiddly technicality like the fact that you're the wrong person. Trust Dr Poo. Anyway, how do we know he isn't really Bernie Smi-ith!

END TITLES



Written by Lance Curtis, Geoff Kelso, Steve Johnston and Ken Matthews.
Transcribed by Phil from his own off-air recording.

Copyright is retained by the ABC, Triple J and Curtis, Kelso, Johnston & Matthews and no breach of copyright is intended by this reproduction.